Club Chaos Agents - All Things Hollish, Wacked, and Jacked

A short sale or no short sales, when buyers don't conform to the marketplace, many agents will dump those buyers because they view those people as a waste of time. Conforming to the market means the buyer is looking in the price range the buyer can afford to pay, and the buyer is willing to buy one of those available homes. Now, I don't work with insane people, if I can help it, but I will work with buyers I like -- even if they don't fit the mold -- as long as they are serious about buying a home.

See, this is the thing, first-time home buyers for neighborhoods such as East Sacramento or Land Park often want more home than an entry-level price will allow. I'm talking about those two-bedroom, one-bath, 1,000 square-foot homes. Without much updating, these homes sell between $250,000 and $300,000, give or take.

I've been working with a buyer for more than a year who really wants a home in East Sacramento. That's because I know I can help her, and I like her. We were in escrow twice, trying to buy other agents' short sale listings, both of which collapsed due to circumstances beyond our control. In one situation, the seller, mid-stream, elected to pursue a loan modification. Poor guy, lottsa luck. In the second, the listing agent wasn't on top of the short sale and the bank foreclosed. Spittooey. I hate it when that happens.

This particular buyer, in reality, wants a nicer home than she can afford to buy. Does that mean she doesn't deserve it? It's sort of like looking for a needle in a haystack. But those situations are present in East Sacramento. This buyer is patient. I know how to spot deals when I see them, because they are there if you know where and how to look.

Last month, we found this buyer an excellent East Sacramento short sale. Believe it or not, the bank approved the short sale in two days -- and it wasn't a Wachovia short sale, in case you're wondering. It was a situation in which the previous buyer had walked away upon short sale approval and the home was scheduled for auction. The home had appraised for about $35,000 more than the buyer is paying. As an East Sacramento agent, I knew it was a steal when I first laid eyes on it. Plus, the bank is paying the buyer's closing costs, a stipulation of the contract that the listing agent did not believe we had a chance in hell of getting.

Reminds me of a David Duchovny poster.

While I was researching short sales in Sacramento for a client this morning, I noticed my MLS profile needed an update. So, I clicked on it to make the change. At the very bottom is a place for additional languages. I typed in Klingon. Well, I don't really know any Klingon words, so I erased it and typed Pig Latin. Hit the Save button. Apparently, Pig Latin is not a recognized language because MLS would not let me save it. Those MLS programmers, always looking out for practical jokers, I guess.

The listing my client asked about is a short sale home in East Sacramento. It is listed for, let's say, $399,000. This buyer can't go above $350,000. He wanted to know if he could buy that short sale for $350,000. Lots of buyers these days seem to think we are in a buyer's market. I suppose they have difficulty interpreting the market because newspapers and TV yak constantly about foreclosures and short sales. But with falling inventory (we've lost about 2/3rds of our inventory over the past couple of years) and rates below 5%, it's a seller's market in many Sacramento neighborhoods.

I researched this East Sacramento short sale. Looked up the owner's name, which sounded familiar, in Realist. Googled the owner. Yup, the owner is a real estate agent. And the owner / agent works at the same company as the agent who listed this short sale. I read the owner's blog. The owner / agent talked about not really understanding short sales nor believing that they close. Those are all bad signs.

Then I looked up the owner / agent's sales production in MLS for last year. The agent qualified for Master's Club. Doesn't appear to be hurting financially. I ran the name in the tax rolls. The owner / agent owns quite a few other homes in Sacramento. It would appear that the owner / agent may not have a hardship and may not understand that a hardship is generally required to do a short sale. I could be wrong, but I'm probably not.

Well, maybe the owner / agent's real estate buddy has short sale experience? I entered that name as a listing agent into a search for all sold properties from January of 2009. Not a short sale among them. I can tell by the DOM. If the listing agent has never closed a short sale, that's a red flag because the listing agent controls the entire transaction.

I have sold several homes in this particular three-block area, some of which were my own listings, so I know it pretty well. Well enough to know that the market value of that home is more than $399,000, so the bank will probably reject offers at list price. This means a lowball offer won't stand a chance.

I presented this information to my client and asked: "Do you really want to buy that East Sacramento short sale?" I have a feeling he's going to say Ixnay.

What's the worst thing that could happen to an East Sacramento agent? Or to any real estate agent, for that matter? Well, apart from rolling over a guard rail in the rain. Over the last week, 2 vehicles at different locations slid off the freeway while going around a curve and landed on the road below. They survived, thank goodness.

We've had so much rain and wind in Sacramento; it's like an obstacle course driving through East Sacramento and Land Park -- swerving to avoid downed tree branches, blown over trash cans and unemployed real estate agents angrily stomping in rain puddles.

The worst thing that could happen to an agent is to be out showing property and discover that the eKey doesn't work or the lockbox won't open. I am all too familiar with that bzzzzzzzZZZT sound when the lockbox malfunctions. If the lockbox won't open, it's generally due to one of two things. Either it's on a timed access and I'm there at the wrong time or I've punched in the wrong code on my eKey.

Once I had a camera crew from Good Day Sacramento shivering in the road at 6 AM waiting to film one of my homes in Land Park. It slipped my mind that I could not open the lockbox prior to 8 AM, so I had to drag the seller out of bed to come over and let us in. Ever since that episode, I generally make an extra key for my listings, which I tuck away in my car's console.

But I never want to be in the position of showing homes in East Sacramento or anywhere else in Sacramento and discover that my eKey won't work. There are dead spots in Sacramento where cellphones don't receive reception.

The problem I've had lately is that sometimes I can't update my eKey through a wireless connection. For some reason, which only tech gods understand, a BlackBerry Bold is not designed to be used as an eKey without using another device that pairs with it. This fob converts the Bluetooth to infrared. But it's another device I have to carry around. And it has a battery. To change the battery, I need a special screwdriver, and the screw is very tiny. One of these days, that battery is going to die on me at the most inopportune moment. It's a stupid solution.

There are 3 things I can't live without. And it's not necessarily life, love and the pursuit of happiness. It's my eKey, MLS access and my cellphone.

I spoke to Supra eKey about this problem with my BlackBerry and its 9B25 wireless network coverage error. Supra said I should remove the battery from my BlackBerry and put it back. Sure enough, that solved the problem. Because I can get an update code only from Supra's website between wireless synchronizations. But I don't want to have to take apart my phone every morning. That's idiotic.

Since I'm the type of person who always has a back-up plan B, I guess I will have to buy some other type of display key and pay an extra monthly subscription fee for access to Supra's lockboxes. I could buy an extra phone, but that doesn't solve the potential dead spot problems. One of the benefits of eKey access is I can check showings of my Sacramento short sale listings and immediately follow up. So, I think I need both services. But it seems sort of silly.

Of course, it beats going over a guard rail in the rain.

I was amazed yesterday when I called 2 agents on 2 listings and both agents answered their cell phones. Christmas week is generally pretty slow, and many agents in Sacramento go on vacation at this time. I've spent most of this week so far following up on my Sacramento short sales and requesting extensions of the short sale addendums for the banks. Trying to get buyers' agents to respond is almost like pulling teeth.

However, I understand why some agents like to take the week off. It's not that I don't celebrate Christmas, because I do, but I try to work every day, especially on those days that my clients have off.

So, when a client asked me yesterday if I would show her homes in East Sacramento on Christmas Eve, I jumped on it. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she felt it was an imposition. But it's not. I love my job; it's not really "work" to me, and my husband understands.

Not only is Christmas Eve a good time to view homes, but I firmly believe that Christmas Day is the best time to buy a home. I sold a home last year on Christmas Day. When you think about it, there are many reasons to buy a home on Christmas. Especially in our low inventory market in Sacramento -- because the shortage of available homes breeds competition.

How many buyers will be writing offers on Christmas? Not very many. In fact, hardly none. If this buyer writes an offer, she won't have to worry about another buyer vying for her selection. And what a wonderful Christmas present for some lucky East Sacramento seller. An offer! Just before the end of the year.

Part of my success in real estate is due to paying attention to my intuition and purposely scrutinizing the emotional impact of homes, especially as an agent selling homes in such landmark neighborhoods in Sacramento as Land Park and East Sacramento. These tree-canopied areas feature many older, classic homes, and each is generally unique, loaded with history. I can feel it. It's like a sixth sense or something.

If you don't get a vibe when you walk into a home, it's probably because you're not receptive to it. I think everybody has the ability to do it. Some people probably don't care.

I felt it years ago when I entered Notre Dame, that magnificent 13th-century Gothic cathedral in Paris. It was as though all the laughter and tears over hundreds and hundreds of years were still present inside those stone walls, preserved, yet faint. The massive volume of history lingering in that structure was almost overwhelming. Centuries of hope, fear, anger, lust and faith, all coming together in one spot. Simply incredible.

Now, my new listing in East Sacramento is not a cathedral, but it's brimming with history. This delightful cottage was built in 1930 and is located just east of 35th Street. This is a home in which I can sense much happiness over the decades. It's cheerful. It smiles at you from the curb. From its pretty red porch to the hand-crafted slated pillars and adorable white shutters, it makes you feel like you want to hug it hello.

Of course, it features original hardwood flooring and vintage light fixtures, but I predict that the layout of this home and its generous living spaces will hold a lot of appeal to East Sacramento buyers. Another welcome benefit is the size of the yard and its extra-deep lot. You'll discover many fruit trees, rose gardens and, yes, even grapes, with plenty of space for children to play and dogs to romp. You can also barbecue hot dogs and hamburgers with your friends on the raised wood deck.

It has 2 bedrooms, one of which boasts a built-in Murphy bed. So, you could use this room as a spare office and pull down the bed when company arrives. If you need a full-time office, the dining room at present is utilized as a home office. You're not giving up dining space if you use the room for that purpose because the living room is so huge it could easily accommodate a dining room table. Moreover, you'll find more room for a table in the massive kitchen as well.

To survive our hot Sacramento summers, the home has central heat and air, a feature that's often hard to find in this price range in East Sacramento. The pest report has been cleared, and it has a newer roof. You won't have to buy any appliances because it comes with a refrigerator, electric range, built-in gas oven and dishwasher. Best of all, you'll also get an inside laundry complete with a washer and dryer. No more trips to the laundromat. On top of that, there is a one-car garage, too.

It has everything a first-time home buyer could want in a home, including fresh paint and ceiling fans. You don't have to do a thing but move in and create your own family history in this fabulous East Sacramento cottage. Did I mention it's offered at an extremely affordable price? There is no loan; the sellers own this free and clear. It's been in the family for decades. No short sale, no foreclosure here. Call Elizabeth Weintraub at 916-233-6759 or your own East Sacramento agent for a private showing today.

See a virtual tour and more photographs of 1723 Santa Ynez Way, Sacramento, CA 95816

Offered exclusively by Lyon Real Estate at $314,900

East Sacramento listing agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, 916-233-6759.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

Few guys understand what a woman means when she opens her closet and declares: I have nothing to wear. Guys look in the closet and they see clothes jammed in so tightly that one might break a hanger yanking something out. Wall-to-wall clothes. They scratch their heads and wonder how can a woman say she has nothing to wear when it's obvious that she has 6 times more clothing than them. In fact, it looks like the entire fall collection from Macy's in that closet.

See, here's the thing. When a woman says: "I have nothing to wear," it means she can remember the last time she wore every garment. I know, that doesn't make sense to many guys, but it does to a woman. And that which she can't recall, she probably doesn't like anyway. I imagine women who suffer from memory loss always have something to wear, so that can be the upside to losing your mind.

In my case, I realized yesterday that I have nothing to wear -- not for any of those reasons but because I had dropped 4 dress sizes. Very little in my closet fits me anymore. In case you're wondering, it's called the "don't eat" diet, which consists of consuming 3 small meals a day, no snacks, no desserts, and running around like a chicken with my head cut off slamming to closing those Sacramento short sales and homes in Land Park.

I'm back to the size I was in college. And I have my husband to thank. I thanked him, too, as I breezed in the door yesterday carrying a bunch of bags from my shopping spree at Macy's in downtown Sacramento. "What did I do?" he asked, bewildered. Well, he had stopped making me high caloric dinners and served up smaller portions, as I requested, since I had previously blamed my weight gain on him. He prepares our dinners and handles the grocery shopping. Now, I know it wasn't his fault, but it amuses me to share the blame. Call it a wife's prerogative.

At least now I'll have something to wear when I go over to East Sacramento today to shoot interior photos of my new listing. This is a very spacious two-bedroom home with an extra deep lot. And it's not upside down. Yup, not a short sale. It's owned by a regular seller. Been in the family for ages -- the mortgage has been paid off. I listed it last Friday for $314,900.

This East Sacramento home features hardwood floors, central heat and air, and one of the bedrooms has a murphy bed. The kitchen is huge, almost 25 feet, about the same size as the living room, with space for a table. In fact, you could also utilize part of the living room for dining and convert the formal dining room into a home office, if you needed an extra room. It has a 2-motorcycle garage, as the seller calls it, and a raised deck in the back yard for entertaining.

It goes into MLS today and showings start on Wednesday. If you're looking at homes in East Sacramento, give me a ring at 916.233.6759. I'd love to show you this. And I'll try to post more photos tomorrow.

I closed 4 escrows last week, so I thought it was a nice gesture to offer to take my husband out to dinner on Halloween. Sort of a celebration. All right, it was also a way that I could cancel Halloween without being obvious about it. But, no, my husband had already carved a pumpkin and bought several bags of candy. OK, then, but I'm not answering the door.

When I was younger, Halloween used to be my favorite holiday, second only to my birthday. I adored the spooky decorations, dressing up like a hooker and partying until somebody passes out in the bathtub. I even once got married on Halloween, but that marriage turned out to be a disaster. As it stands now, I don't seem to possess the enthusiasm for the holiday anymore.

Instead of celebrating Halloween yesterday, I managed to score the keys from a tenant for my East Sacramento listing. At long last, I was able to put a lockbox on that house. If you're looking for a home in East Sacramento, check out 763 53rd Street. It's a darling 2-bedroom cottage listed at $329,000, and it's now vacant. It's not a short sale, either. This could close by November 30th.

Saturdays are also lockbox day for me, meaning I map out my travels and collect lockboxes from the homes that closed escrow that week. While I'm driving, I answer buyer and buyer's agent calls. One agent sent me an email, saying her buyer wanted to withdraw a short sale offer she submitted the day before because her buyer was uncomfortable with the fact that we expected the buyer to commit to the transaction.

This was a buyer, the agent had earlier confided, who had made dozens of offers on other homes and kept getting beat out. Well, she could buy one of my short sale listings as it just fell out of escrow. I told her exactly what her buyer needed to do to get the seller's signature on the offer. But did she do it? No, she didn't. She was missing that crucial element: the motivation to be dedicated and wait for short sale approval.

There were enough witches, goblins, skeletons and Richard Nixons running around last night; I have no desire to add another to my escrows.

You expect nothing less than sheer perfection in food from Rick Mahan, the owner and chef of Waterboy Restaurant in Midtown Sacramento, and his new restaurant, OneSpeed Pizza in East Sacramento, does not disappoint.

This is truly a neighborhood experience. For one thing, it's difficult to find parking at 48th and Folsom, so you're better off walking or arriving on your bike. As the imprint on the glass window says: OneSpeed Pizza. Bikes. Love. There is a chalkboard at the entrance displaying a message. Yesterday afternoon it advertised a Monte Cristo, probably one of the most fattening yet mouthwatering treats a human being can enjoy.

Since I've lost a lot of weight and want to keep it off, I passed on the Monte Cristo. But just the thought of salty ham and melting cheese continues to linger in my mind.

The heart of the menu is pizza. Not just any pizza, but a variety of choices, each prepared with fresh, local ingredients such as spinach and roasted peppers or arugula and caramelized onions. You can see the pizza oven in the center of the photo, which produces a slightly charred but tasty crust on the pizza.

I started off with an Old Soul latte, from a coffee business co-owned by one of my clients, Jason Griest. My husband stuck with water, served from what appeared to be a refillable bottle. He knew what he wanted: pizza with OneSpeed's housemade sausage. I had a more difficult time deciding what I wanted because it wasn't pizza. The choices are basically big plates or small plates, many of which are salads.

I chose the Bitter Greens salad, prepared with arugula, endive, Asian pears, blue cheese, walnuts and balsamico. You know, I like pronouncing the word: arugula. The accent is on the second syllable, and it makes me feel like a cartoon character to let it roll off my lips. I get a mental image of a bike horn blowing up in my face.

But I also wanted to try the daily soup. It was black bean. I imagine the beans were smashed and simmered before adding more beans because the integrity of the beans were intact. The soup was topped by a dollop of sour cream. A bit salty but delightful. When the waiter spotted my empty bowl, he asked if he could take it away -- like, what was I going to do with an empty bowl? Pick it up and lick it? The thought did occur to me. It was that good.

Overall, the food was exceptional, but the service was very slow. We arrived about 12:30 and didn't leave until 2:15. It took forever to get our table cleared and the check. However, I devoured every morsel that was placed in front of me, including part of my husband's most delicious sausage pizza. He was a bit annoyed that I continued to check my BlackBerry as it buzzed through lunch, sending emails that said I was at lunch and would get back to the callers later. I thought I was being considerate by not answering my cell. Ah, such is the life of a Sacramento short sale agent.

OneSpeed Pizza. Bikes. Love.

4818 Folsom Boulevard

Sacramento, CA

Serving breakfast, lunch and dinner

Home delivery by bicycle available Tuesday through Sunday nights.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

Every so often, I have the pleasure of working with a home buyer who plans to use a VA loan to buy a home in Sacramento. VA buyers aren't as plentiful in the neighborhoods where I primarily work such as Land Park, Curtis Park, Midtown Sacramento or East Sacramento, which is why I don't write very many offers for VA buyers.

It's not like it was in the mid-1970s when the odds of writing a VA offer were 1 in 3. I think the last VA buyer I worked with was maybe 2 years ago. And she ended up buying a bank-owned home in Rosemont that had been on the market for about 6 months. Because the VA requires a pest completion (unlike most FHA loans), that transaction was particularly challenging, since the bank initially refused to pay for a clear pest. Throw into it the last remaining funds from a community grant program, unauthorized buyer repairs and a person suffering from a bipolar disorder, let's just say it was an escrow that I was thrilled to see closed.

A disturbing phenomena in Sacramento is the fact that VA home buyers tend to fall to the bottom of a lot of sellers' preference piles. Short and sweet, although unfair, very few sellers want to sell to a VA buyer. Foreclosure flippers may, because the VA doesn't have the 90-day seasoning requirements like FHA, but the truth is many sellers and their listing agents discriminate against VA buyers.

This is how VA buyers rank in priority among many home sellers in Sacramento:

1. Cash buyers
2. Conventional buyers
3. FHA buyers
4. VA buyers

Why do we treat the men and women who served and perhaps fought for our country like this? Why aren't VA buyers at the top of that list? Their loans are guaranteed by the United States Department of Veterans Affairs. Now, sellers are prohibited from discriminating against a buyer due to race, religion, color, sex, disability, family status or national origin. Yet, many sellers refuse to accept an offer from a credit-worthy VA buyer.

Against the odds, I found a home in East Sacramento for a VA buyer last weekend. It was on the market for only a week. We asked the seller to pay all of the buyer's closing costs. The negotiations were stressful for the hopeful buyers, but the good news is the sellers accepted the buyers' offer exactly the way I wrote it. It is very likely we will close before November 30th, too, so the buyers may qualify for the first-time home buyer tax credit.

I'd like to suggest that perhaps Sacramento home sellers should reconsider VA buyers and give them priority, especially in a multiple-offer situation. I believe we owe it to ourselves and to our country to elevate these buyers to the status they deserve.

For a fun-filled and relaxing experience, there is nothing in this universe as enjoyable like having half of your face ripped off. Voluntarily. I realize that some members of the opposite sex may not understand this and shake their heads in disbelief that anybody of sane mind would willingly undergo this procedure, but in some ways, men and women are polar opposites. It's what makes the world go around.

I knew that yesterday, after a long day of offer negotiations and yakking on my cell about short sale listings, I would be treating myself to a half-hour of pure torture at The Perfect Eyebrow in Sacramento. It was my very own pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

You see, Saturdays are also the designated day to collect my lockboxes. The freeways aren't as crowded as during business hours. I keep track of my closings for the week and put together a schedule to drive from one house to the next to pick up my lockboxes. I suppose I could hire somebody to do this for me, but I'm basically a one-woman real estate show.

As I drove out Highway 50, my cell rang. It was a guy who owns a rental in East Sacramento and wants to sell it. From the street address, I pretty much knew what the home looked like and how much it was worth, but I promised to stop by on my way back to check it out for him.

At the first home, I discovered the key was left in the lockbox. This closed several days ago. The buyer's agent was out of town and had turned over her business to an associate. This made me wonder if the buyer even knew it closed. I quickly sent an email to both of these agents to let them know where I left the key.

At the next home, the new buyer came around the corner and startled me. In fact, I screamed. I guess he was wondering what this woman was doing tinkering around with his gas meter. It gave me a chance to say "Welcome to the neighborhood," and then I wondered why I said that since I actually knew very little about that particular neighborhood. As a Sacramento short sale agent, I sell homes all over Sacramento, but I am not an expert in all neighborhoods like I am in Land Park and East Sacramento. I simply know how to list and sell short sales.

By the time I reached the rental in East Sacramento, the clock was ticking. Not much time left before my anticipated appointment at The Perfect Eyebrow. The tenants were not home, save for a yapping dog inside. Great. I like nothing better than taking listings where agents need to give a 24-hour notice than selling a home where pets live. The redeeming factor was the note on the door that asked visitors to remove their shoes upon entering. That could possibly mean that the hardwood floors were well maintained.

A cat sat on the sidewalk watching me. I backed slowly into the street to avoid being run over and to snap a photo with my video camera. The cat meowed at me, so I stopped to pet her, and considered the fact that I really should carry more dog and cat treats in my bag. Usually I have a supply of pet treats in my briefcase, part of my real estate arsenal, along with a flashlight and graphite. But I had left my briefcase at home.

I looked at the clock and realized I had but 15 minutes to make my way over to Howe and University / Fair Oaks. This is one of the worst intersections in Sacramento, second maybe to Watt and Fair Oaks, but on Saturday it wasn't that jammed. The Perfect Eyebrow is a new business, situated just north of the Safeway store.

The salon has tile floors, featuring a long red streak in the middle, which I guess is supposed to be an eyebrow. Individual stations are set up at the back but they are open with no privacy. This means anybody wandering through the parking lot could watch through the windows as faces are tweezed, ripped and patted, which didn't bother me but another patron might not care for it.

Although most of the customers seemed to be brides-to-be. I guess they have enough other stuff to worry about than whether some gawker is staring at them.

My stylist, I'm not sure what you call her, led me to a chair and suggested I lean back and relax. Easy for her to say. She wasn't about to have her face ripped off. This would have been a good time to hand me a glass of champagne but it wasn't that kind of salon. The stylist fussed with the lighting. It wasn't quite right for her. Just as I was about to suggest that she should wear one of those hiking headbands with a light, like guys in the coal mines used to wear, she applied hot wax to the underside of my eyebrow, waited a few seconds and then tore it off. Her cool finger on that spot was a relief.

She trimmed and brushed my eyebrow hairs. Being part Hungarian, I suppose, is what gives me such wild and woolly eyebrows. They sprong wherever they want to go. I never thought much about my eyebrows until I cut off all my hair. Now they are the focus of my face.

While she was at it, she may as well do my entire face. Little spots of hot wax and let 'er rip. Over and over. Somebody should have been rubbing my feet at this point. That would have been a welcome distraction.

For the final touch, I had my eyebrows tinted. It wasn't so much the electrolysis from the 1980s that made my eyebrows so thin -- although my stylist said electrologists don't do eyebrows anymore because styles change --  as it was all the white hairs that I could not see. Once those hairs turned brown, my eyebrows reappeared. Just like that. Magic.

When she handed me the mirror, I could not believe my eyes. My eyebrows were totally transformed. They had an arch. They looked completely normal. I made 2 more appointments. Turned on my cell and discovered I had missed a call from my husband. He called from a They Might Be Giants show in the Midwest.  So, who do you think was having more fun at that moment?  Him or me?