Club Chaos Agents - All Things Hollish, Wacked, and Jacked

Funerals make you hungry. Either that, or they make you cry. Last Saturday, I attended a funeral with my husband in downtown Sacramento. After the service, we went to Jim-Denny's Hamburgers Chili for lunch. This is a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that has been a 76-year tradition in Sacramento. We've been meaning to go there for years and, in fact, did stop by a few years ago but it was too crowded, so we left.

Now, if you go to a Catholic funeral, they generally feed you. But the funeral we went to was Lutheran. I actually have very little experience with funerals. I realized that fact when I reached my mid-30s. I don't know how a person can be on this planet for 30-some years without going to a funeral, but I had managed it.

As a result, I reached out to my girlfriend who had more experience than me. I asked her to guide me through funeral etiquette. Clearly, somebody I knew would die soon, and I didn't want to be caught off-guard. I thought it would be easier to attend a funeral for a person I did not know, so I picked a death notice out of the newspaper, circled the date of the funeral on my calendar and considered that my practice funeral.

Here are some of the things that I learned:

• A death notice is generally an invitation in disguise to go to a funeral
  
• You don't have to wear black.
• Stuff some tissues in your pocket.
• If you don't know the family, don't sit with them.
• It's OK to cry.
• It's OK to sing, but not all by yourself.

I was pretty sure it's not a good idea to leave your cellphone on, so when we walked into St. John's Lutheran Church on Saturday, I turned my phone to "silent." The cantor had a beautiful voice, and I was mesmerized. But not so much that I didn't feel my cellphone vibrate. No, no, no, don't touch it. Bzzt. Bzzt. But I couldn't help myself. I looked around. We were sitting in an end pew. People would probably think I was praying with my head bowed. I did the unthinkable. I slowly slipped my cellphone out of my pocket and glanced at my email. Now, I'm probably going to hell for that.

But soon the guilt was overturned by the sense of hunger. Which is what led us to Jim-Denny's Hamburgers Chili. Going there just seemed appropriate for some reason. This little restaurant is located on 12th Street between H and I Street. Here is a photo of the interior. It's the size of a cable car and dates back to 1934. The signs on the wall advertise fancy ham, fancy hamburgers, back when anything better than ordinary was called fancy.

A handwritten sign next to the old wall phone warned customers that if they sit next to the phone and it rings, they must answer it and take an order. I was glad my husband had that seat. We arrived at 11:45, 15 minutes before lunch. Everybody at the counter, which is the only place to eat, were busy stuffing gigantic omelets into their mouths. The servings were humongous, along the lines of what you get at the Market Club in Land Park.

I ordered the 5-cent hamburger with raw onions, lettuce, tomatoes and no pickles. You can see it in the photo above. Well, you won't see the onions because the waiter forgot to give them to me. He also put mustard on the bottom bun but the top bun was dry. My husband got the Superburger with bacon and requested no cheese. They gave him a burger with cheese.

The french fries were pretty good, though. Sliced very thin and crispy without being too crunchy. The fries reminded me of those served at the drugstore where I used to go after school in the 1960s. In fact, the hamburger brought back those memories, too. Pretty tasty food for a 12-year-old. But now that I'm an old goat, my taste buds have matured. I prefer thicker hamburgers, like the Waterboy Deluxe Burger, made from ground chuck. Perhaps I should have ordered the megaburger?

By the time we slid out of our seats, $20 poorer and a bit fatter than when we walked in the door, there were so many people standing behind us that I couldn't reach my bag on the floor. I grabbed the handle and tugged it between the stools, almost knocking some guy in the face. That's when I realized my cellphone was still turned to "silent." Ah, the sweet bliss of no phone calls about my Sacramento short sales for two solid hours. It was back to business. If we go back to Jim-Denny's, though, I will definitely order the megaburger.

I should also mention that the funeral was for a real estate agent who worked at my midtown office of Lyon Real Estate. I suspect he forgave me for looking at my cellphone. He was the type who would understand. He was a good egg and will be missed. You know, we just don't have enough good eggs in this world.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

Here is a once in a lifetime opportunity to buy that panoramic view of downtown Sacramento at a price that won't make you use the drive-through at McDonald's to afford living downtown. This is a desirable East Wing corner unit that features a bonus window. Imagine sitting down to a twilight dinner at your dining room table and enjoying a view of our beautiful Capitol all lit up and sparkling against the evening sky.

Three rooms share a south-facing view and balcony -- from downtown Sacramento to Raley's Field to the majestic mountain coastal range. There are no large buildings in front of you blocking the horizon. It's just you and 4 blocks of canopied treetops below. You're in another world -- a private world of quiet, urban sophistication.

This 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo is updated, boasting oversized ceramic tile flooring, granite counters, stainless appliances with a refrigerator, designer light pendants and an open floor plan from the kitchen to the dining area to the family room. Perfect entertainment setting.

The baths are spotless and spacious: chocolate-stained vanities, granite counters and George Kovac light fixtures. The exhaust fan in the bath is so quiet you will first think it's not operating because it barely emits a whisper while running. Inside laundry area has a stacked washer and dryer, too. But the size of the master suite is astounding, almost 23-feet long. Plus, two double closets.

Coveted parking for units above the 11th floor gives you a covered parking spot with elevator access, a feature the lower-floor units don't enjoy. The home is also solar heated and the sellers say they never have to turn on the heat in the winter. In the summer, you can feel the cool Delta breezes rolling in from the Bay while enjoying the fireworks over Raley's Field after sunset.

Call your Sacramento short sale agent or Elizabeth Weintraub for a private showing.

500 N Street, #1204, Sacramento, CA 95814

Offered at $245,000, subject to bank approval as a short sale

LYON REAL ESTATE

Elizabeth Weintraub

916.233.6759

Elizabeth Weintraub is an author, home buying columnist for The New York Times-owned About.com, a Land Park resident, and a Land Park real estate agent who specializes in older, classic homes in Land Park, Curtis Park, Midtown and East Sacramento. Weintraub is also a Sacramento Short Sale agent who lists and successfully sells short sales throughout Sacramento. Call Elizabeth Weintraub at 916.233.6759. Put 35 years of real estate experience to work for you. DRE License # 00697006.

The Short Sale Savior, by Elizabeth Weintraub, available through bookstores everywhere and at Amazon.com.

Sacramento Short Sale Agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, has the answers to your Sacramento short sale questions.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

The Grange has received mixed reviews since opening downtown Sacramento last winter. When I asked my husband where he wanted to go to celebrate his birthday, the word "Grange" left his lips, so that's where I made our reservation.

The Grange is part of a new hotel, The Citizen, remodeled inside an 88-year-old office building. The entrance is on 10th Street, with valet parking on J Street.

The feeling inside the restaurant is that of an airplane hangar, designed to be upscale urban with a bit of an eclectic twist. I sat there imagining elevators and employees running late for work, dropping file folders; it has that sort of aura.

Our waiter, Justin, showed up to take our order within minutes of being seated. My husband ordered sparkling water, and I asked for a martini. Gin or vodka? (Oh, please, gin, real martinis aren't made with vodka.) Tangueray, Bombay or Gorden's? Olives? My husband received his sparkling water but my martini did not arrive. I glanced over at the bar. The bartender didn't look busy. The place was about half full by 7 PM. 10 minutes went by. Still no martini. But we got a small basket of bread with herb butter.

I played with my knife. It was pretty cool. The handle was flat and sideways, and it was purposely placed in the setting to balance on its edge. I asked Justin if my martini order was placed. He shot a look at the bar and went to retrieve it.

One of the great things about the Grange is its chef favors local ingredients, just like my husband does. We belong to a cooperative that delivers boxes of fresh farm vegetables every week. However, one of the reasons to dine out (for me) is to sample dishes that I don't ordinarily get a home, and most of the items on the menu were dishes that my husband prepares.

I selected seared Pacific ahi for an appetizer, which came served on a bed of thinly sliced fennel and red onion. Much as I like fennel and onion, there's only so much of it I can eat, and the portion delivered on my plate was a small salad in itself. The ahi was delicious, served with a bit of aioli. My husband ordered the breaded and fried dungeness crab over fresh pea pods, which wasn't anything out of the ordinary.

For an entree', I figured it's spring and what better time to enjoy lamb than in the spring? Even though I feel a little guilty and sorry for the lamb who gave up its life, as my husband says, it's better than mutton which has to be stewed for hours to soften its strong flavor. Still, my guilt wasn't strong enough to stop me from ordering it. The lamb rack chops were difficult to cut because so much of it was fat. But the flavor was yummy. The fingerling potatoes were a bit overcooked for my liking; however, the mix of spring vegetables, which were peas, carrots and asparagus, were cooked to perfection.

That's more than my husband had to say about his au gratin, which he ordered in place of the fingerling potatoes. The wafer-thin potatoes still had a bit of starch and crunch in places, as though it didn't evenly bake. His hangar steak, which he ordered medium, arrived medium rare, and had to be sent back to the kitchen. I love medium rare, so I tasted a bite before he sent it away, and found it incredibly delicious, melting in my mouth.

For dessert, my husband chose a dish of 3 types of sorbet. Two scoops looked like tomato and watermelon, but of course they weren't. They were Meyer lemon, pomegranate and we couldn't figure out the third. Jason assured us that the Grange has the "best desserts in Sacramento." I guess he has to say that because he works there. I disagree. I ordered a chocolate thing, and what I got was a rounded scoop of a fudge-chocolate with a hardened shell, drizzled with salt, nestled next to sugar-coated peanuts. It wasn't the best dessert I've ever had, but let me tell you, I ate the whole thing anyway.

Three hours later, our bill, with tip, including the martini and a glass of wine each, plus one small port, came to $150, which seems reasonable for that type of restaurant. It's less than we would have spent at Ella's or Waterboy. But the difference is we will go back to Ella's and the Waterboy. I sort of doubt that will give the Grange another shot, but I never say never.

The Short Sale Savior, by Elizabeth Weintraub, coming in June 2009.

Photo: Big Stock Photo