Club Chaos Agents - All Things Hollish, Wacked, and Jacked

A comic who can make me laugh so hard my gut wants to bust is #1 my husband and #2 Eddie Izzard. The difference between the two is my husband doesn't always do it on purpose.

I loved Eddie Izzard in the short-lived television series The Riches, he was so perfect, paired with Minnie Driver, in the role of a con artist pretending to be wealthy. He was fabulous as the professor in another favorite and also canceled show the United States of Tara. But I have never seen him perform live on stage.

This morning I clicked through my gmail -- wading through through the alligators, stepping over decaying bones, slashing overgrown vegetation with my sword -- and I found a link to order tickets for Eddie Izzard's Stripped Tour coming to Shoreline Ampitheatre in Mountain View, CA.

As a Sacramento short sale agent, I don't get out of Sacramento much. Most of the time my nose is buried in my computer, matching offer worksheets to a HUD in Equator or creating listing documentation for my short sale listings. In fact, I don't even know where Mountain View is but I've heard it's somewhere around Sacramento.

Eddie Izzard will be there next Saturday. That would be a fun show to see. I clicked on seats. Found Row E seating available for $150 a ticket. That's worth it to me. It might not be worth it to you, especially if you have never heard of Eddie Izzard, but I was ready to splurge and buy two tickets.

And you know what? That website, Live Nation, would not let me buy two tickets. I could go over to another section and buy two tickets for $40 each but I couldn't buy the 2 premium seats I wanted. Why? Because there were 3 tickets available. The site insisted I buy all 3 and not leave one seat empty in the section. What a pile of crap. It might be worth it to spend $300 to see Eddie Izzard, and I might have even been willing to spend $450 if the tickets cost $225 a piece, but I am not willing to be coerced.

If you'd like to read about the buying behavior of the public, I suggest picking up a copy of The Price of Everything by Eduardo Porter from the library. This guy can hang a price tag on just about anything conceivable. Even our defunct space program. You know, I was ticked off when they did away with Pluto. Poor little Pluto who never did anything bad to anybody. Poof gone. No longer a planet. So sorry. But losing the space program is like losing hope in America.

What the hey, time marches on. And today I will probably receive 10 offers or more on a short sale listing in Rocklin.  I have received 2 or 3 purchase offers already. The sellers were not ready to show when the home went on the market. They did not realize that buyers would want to come over to see their home when they found it advertised online. We asked agents to wait until this weekend to show. As a result, there is a bidding frenzy going on as I type.

The buyer who will win this short sale is the buyer who has hired the smartest Sacramento real estate agent. It probably won't be the buyer with the highest offer.

This morning I have been trying to reorder my cat's prozac prescription through an online drugstore. Yeah, my cat has his own account online. For some reason his account isn't working -- probably because his password has been temporarily misplaced in those boxes up in my attic. So, I asked for a new password. It's just not happening. It's not happening because I can't recall the answer to the stupid security question.

Who came up with the question of Who is Your Childhood Hero? Blasted stupid question. There are so many. Was it Rod Serling? George Reeves? Or maybe it was Howdy Doody? I dunno. Perhaps I said Mae West. Damn, I hate this. But I don't hate this next short sale listing. I love it. It's absolutely stunning for a home in this price range.

This is a 3-bedroom, 3-bath home in the Five Star Development in Rocklin. It's a little over 2,000 square feet, and it's a 2-story, built in 1992. The entire first floor is laid out as a circular floor plan. which is great if you own cats who like to chase each other, not to mention if little people with two legs each reside in the household.

You'll find an office off the entry, which could easily be converted to a bedroom is you really need a fourth bedroom. There is a built-in desk in the corner that is just about the width of a closet. Pop out the desk, frame it with 2 x 4s, slap on a door and you've got a closet; hence a 4th bedroom.

There is also a full bath on the first floor, which is shown in the tax records as a half bath, but it does have a full shower. I saw it with my own two eyes. The kitchen features granite counters, a ceramic tiled floor, a built-in wine refrigerator, and there is space for a breakfast table next to the built-in China cabinet. This is a great room concept, combined with the family room and its cozy fireplace.

Upstairs, you'll find 3 bedrooms and 2 more baths. The master suite has a vaulted ceiling. It is spacious and features a Roman tub, plus a separate shower, dual vanities in its bath and a walk-in closet.

6312 Emerald Drive, Rocklin, CA 95677 is offered exclusively by Lyon Real Estate as a short sale at $260,000. For more information, contact your Sacramento short sale agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, at 916 233 6759. For a private showing, please call Barbara Dow at 916 761 7398.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

Yesterday, a woman called me from south Sacramento. She said it was imperative that I drop what I'm doing and come over to list her home as a short sale. She had just received paperwork that said she was approved for a HAFA short sale, and she had until February 19th to submit a listing agreement. She did not know that she had to hire a real estate agent. I asked her if she realized that doing a HAFA short sale meant she would be selling her home. Yes, she understood that part.

It made me wonder what kind of person would apply for HAFA and be unaware that had to hire a Sacramento short sale agent? Hmmm . . . sounds like a seller who thought maybe they'd sell their home to a friend, an acquaintance, a relative? She appeared very distraught when I explained the nuances of an arms-length agreement. She became even more agitated when she learned that once we received an offer, it would get approved within a couple of weeks and close 30 days after that. She had planned to move in July. Oops.

Here is an affordable short sale listing in Rocklin. It might not look like much from the street because the front yard is fenced, obscuring the home, but it has a nice courtyard entrance. There is even wiring to a cement pad in the back yard for a hot tub or spa, which has not yet been installed.

The home has 3 bedrooms, 2 baths and, according to the County Assessor, was built in 1975 and is about 1,536 square feet. One bath has a marble sink and parquet floor. The second bath has a ceramic floor. It features a wet bar in the kitchen, along with a dishwasher and gas range. There is a large dining room off the kitchen, and the living room sports a brick fireplace.

You have indoor laundry and an attached 2-car garage. It's located near Sunset and Coronado, not far from Vista Grande Park.

5721 Palomar Circle, Rocklin, CA 95677 is exclusively offered by Lyon Real Estate at $208,000. Call your Sacramento short sale agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, at 916 233 6759 for more information. For a private showing, call Linda Swanson at 916 607 0111.

Photos: Linda Swanson

A dear friend who has long since passed away, Margie Moreno of Midway City down in southern California, used to say that palm trees were overrated. She totally freaked out my husband the time I took him to Newport Beach. I was trying to talk him into moving to Newport Beach, because that's where I used to live and sell real estate.

Of course, there are tons of palm trees everywhere in southern California. Margie Moreno told him that rats live in the base of palm trees. OK, that wasn't the only reason he refused to move to Orange County and chose Sacramento instead, but that's not really a true statement about all palm trees.

In fact, most palm trees aren't even indigenous to California. Most of our palm trees come from the tropics, Asia or Europe. But it doesn't stop us Californians from loving palm trees or trying to create a Hawaiian oasis in our back yards.

Here is a short sale home in the Standford Ranch subdivision in Rocklin that boasts king palms in the back yard. The king palms accentuate the beautifully sculpted gunite pool and pretty waterfall. You can also spot the palm trees out the windows in the family room and master suite, giving you the feeling that you live on a tropical island.

This 4-bedroom, 3-bath shows and looks like a model home. It has soaring ceilings and a magnificent entrance. You'll find columns in the formal living room and dining room. It has an open floor plan, and the family room is a step-down from the kitchen. On that lower level, you'll also find several more rooms: a media room with built-in entertainment center and surround sound, laundry and guest bath. The surround sound is wired to the master suite and the back yard, so you can turn off and turn on speakers depending on where you are in the home.

The kitchen has additional dining space, an island, tiled counters and a ceramic floor. It has a 55-degree, temperature-controlled wine closet. Floor-to-ceiling storage for your bottles of wine.

The home seems much larger than its 2,437 square feet, with lots of little touches such as crown molding, recessed lighting and even a laundry shoot in the upstair's hall.

There is a 3-car garage and RV access. This sits on a corner lot for extra privacy.

5348 Swindon Road, Rocklin, CA 95765 is listed exclusively by Lyon Real Estate as a PREAPPROVED HAFA short sale at $325,686. For more information, call your Sacramento short sale agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, at 916 233 6759. For a private showing, call Linda Swanson at 916 607 0111.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

When I first started selling real estate, everybody was doing the hustle. By that, I don't mean using aggressive, high-pressure selling tactics. I'm talking about the dance craze at the discos. The Bee Gees. Donna Summer. John Travolta. Some people, my husband included, love to thumb noses at spinning and glittery disco balls but let me tell you, as a person who lived through this era, it was fun.

It was fun because it was different. To do the hustle, you had to actually touch another person when you danced and follow precise dance steps. You weren't twirling in circles by yourself with your eyes closed and waving silk scarves in the air, only to discover that when the music ended your dance partner had long ago wandered off to smoke a bong somewhere. You were actually dancing with somebody.

Back then, I represented buyers and very few sellers. My reasoning was buyers need to buy a home so I was pretty much guaranteed that I would get paid for my efforts. A seller, not so much, because a listing might not ever sell. Buyers are grateful and happy. Sellers often blame the agent if a home doesn't sell. I felt as though I was appreciated more by buyers and that I was providing a worthwhile service. Buyers = happy. Sellers = mad. It made more sense to surround myself with happy people.

Today, I've done a 180. As a Sacramento short sale agent, I now represent more sellers than I do home buyers. I've discovered that my strengths lie with listings. Sellers might have a greater need for superior service than buyers. They generally need to sell for a particular reason, and my job is to move that home quickly at the highest price. It's a good match. I love to list homes and sell them. I price them right, employ home staging when possible, shoot what I believe are great photos, and I plaster those listings all over the Internet. My listings move. In a short sale, all I've really done over the years is elevate my listing abilities to the next level. Or maybe I'm just a sucker for punishment challenges.

Here is an exceptional Rocklin home built in 1978. It's a short sale. When you open the leaded-glass double doors to enter, I swear, that 1978 song by Abba, Take a Chance on Me, might very well start running through your head. This is your home. Take a chance on it. The entry is wood and it is raised. To the right are 3 bedrooms and two baths. Straight ahead, a dining room. To the left, an open floor plan concept, featuring a family room / kitchen. Upstairs, a second master suite with a balcony and a separate office.

The views from this home are stupendous. It backs up to the Sunset Whitney Country Club Golf Course and offers stunning views of the fairway, hills and wildlife. Gaggles of turkeys. Magnificent trees. And the view goes on forever off to the right but directly in front is a park-like paradise. It's right there in your face. You might wonder how you got to be so lucky to find this home and whether you could actually afford to live in this home, but you can. It's affordable because it's a short sale.

Where else will you find 4 bedrooms (two of which are master suites), 3 baths, plus a den that backs to the golf course and boasts more than 2,100 square feet? The kitchen features newer stainless-looking appliances, plus there is a ceiling fan over the breakfast area. Just think, every morning you can sit at the table, sip your Starbucks and marvel at your breathtakingly beautiful back yard.

In the evenings, you can gather around the stone fireplace in the family room, entertain friends in the separate dining room or go upstairs and sit on the balcony to watch the sun go down over the hills.

3245 Argonaut Avenue, Rocklin, CA 95677 is exclusively offered by Lyon Real Estate as a short sale at $285,000. For more information, call your Sacramento short sale agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, at 916 233 6759.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub