Club Chaos Agents - All Things Hollish, Wacked, and Jacked

Like many people who don't always watch 60 Minutes, I tuned in to catch Andy Rooney's last commentary last night. I don't know what it is about the show. I used to watch 60 Minutes all the time in the '60s and '70s, but then I lost interest. Or maybe life got in the way. It's also on TV too early in Sacramento.

I recall telling some of the shady guys I knew in the get-rich-quick seminar business that they probably did NOT want 60 Minutes to show up on their doorstep. Even though I have nothing to hide, I'd be perfectly happy to never open the door to find Morley Safer standing there. That would be a little unnerving. I don't care who you are. Nobody wants Morley Safer at the door.

But everybody wants to shake Andy Rooney's hand. And get his autograph.

Andy Rooney said just what I expected him to say. Nothing more and nothing less. He said a writer writes. He will always be a writer. I can relate to that. It's true.

Rooney thinks about death -- and he doesn't like those thoughts. Who does? I imagine for years and years, long after we are all dead and gone, CBS will continue to show clips of Andy Rooney. There is a certain sense of self satisfaction to get to be who you are in the business world and get paid for it to boot. I know that first hand. Rooney's pieces are timeless. There will never be another.

There will also never be another time as good as today to buy a pool home in Carmichael. 4649 Oakbough Way, Carmichael, CA 95608 is exclusively offered by Lyon Real Estate as a short sale at $225,000. For more information, call your Sacramento short sale agent Elizabeth Weintraub at 916 233 6759. For a private showing, call Barbara Dow at 916 761 7398.

Photo: Elizabeth Weintraub

A Sacramento short sale agent has her highs and lows during the day. One day the bank is telling me the investors will not postpone an auction. And I have to pass on that information to the seller, which breaks my heart. I beg for one more attempt. Then, 2 days later, the investor pulls a Jekyll and Hyde and approves the short sale, with the caveat we have to close in 2 weeks and no extension. I swear, I sometimes feel like Fred Sanford, clutching his chest and looking skyward: I'm coming, Elizabeth.

In another short sale, we have approval from Chase Bank. I tell the seller, like I always do, to get legal advice about that approval letter, because my license does not allow me to give advice about it. The letter says that Chase will release the loan and "settle the account." The lawyer says he wants the bank to change the wording on the approval letter. Great, Mr. Lawyer, then send me a formal letter with that request, and I'll gladly forward it to Chase Bank. Tell the bank exactly what you want.

The lawyer then sends a letter to the sellers, which they forward to me. It's pretty wimpy. Not forceful. They ask what I think, and I tell them. Well, what should it say, they ask? Hey, it's not my business to write letters for their lawyer, I respond. That's his business, but if I might I would possibly suggest that he include some kind of verbiage about California Civil Code 580e. Why am I telling a lawyer what to write? I guess because I want this transaction to close. I'm coming, Elizabeth.

If you're looking for a short sale that will undoubtedly close without a lot of drama, here is a new short sale listing in the Del Dayo neighborhood in Carmichael. It's a pool home, too.

Mid-century home, built in 1965. Hardwood floors in most of the rooms, maybe all of them as 2 bedrooms have carpeting and I didn't pull it up. The master suite overlooks the pool. Would be nice to lie in bed reading on a lazy Sunday afternoon and gaze out at the sparkling pool in the sunlight.

It's an open floor plan, with a horseshoe-shaped kitchen. Tiled counters and floor, but it could use updates. The living room has a bay window and a fireplace, plus access to the yard and patio. All together, there are 3 bedrooms and 2 baths, a hair under 1,500 square feet.

There's a bonus room out back. An outbuilding of newer construction. It has electricity and a window AC, making it a perfect location for a workshop, studio, office or even a mancave. Do we have women caves? Oh, right, they're called the kitchen. I'm just kidding about that last part. Besides, my husband in control of our kitchen at home. I don't even know where the pans go.

Del Dayo is a highly desirable place to live in Carmichael, primarily because of the elementary school. If you're looking for an entry level and affordable home in Del Dayo, don't shuffle your feet and lose your seat. Run out to see this and make an offer.

1208 Meredith Way, Carmichael, CA 95608, is offered exclusively by Lyon Real Estate as a short sale at $349,000. For more information, call your Sacramento short sale agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, at 916 233 6759. For a private showing, call Barbara Dow at 916 761 7398.

Photos: I. Smith and Elizabeth Weintraub

My clicky finger is sore. On that joint where the knuckle is located. I bet if you slapped an Xray of my fingers up on a screen, Dr. House style, you'd see normal looking muscles in all of my other fingers except for my right-hand clicky finger. That muscle would be oversized, bulging and throbbing in one of those instantly-switch-to-inside-close-ups that happens on House.

You know why? Because of all those comments I had to read on my previous blog about agents sending listings to other agents. I had no idea I'd hit such a nerve with agents. Most of the time I figure that I'm such an oddball that if something bugs me it probably doesn't bug anybody else. But this time I see that I have company.

However, if I owned this next listing I'm about to describe, I bet I'd have no company whatsoever. Nobody would come to visit me at this house. Why? Because it needs a lot of work to be comfortably habitable. This is a definite fixer property on a very nice street. In fact, it's the worst house on the street. If you know anything about real estate you know that's the best kind of property to buy: the worst house on the street.

The people next door, I hear, poured more than a $100K into their house, which I sincerely doubt they'll ever get back in this lifetime. But it doesn't matter if you plan to never move.

This is a Carmichael home built in 1958, a lovely year if I say so myself. It might even have hardwood floors -- I don't know, I didn't pull up the carpet. I could have, though, since the carpet is mostly stretched out. It has spots all over it, too.

I can't tell you the exact square footage because there has been an addition running along the east side of the home that is probably not permitted and therefore not included in the tax records. It has 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. One of the baths is missing a sink, and the toilet probably doesn't flush. The furnace is broken.

The kitchen is pretty big with a lot of cabinets, and the cabinets appear to be in good condition. The vinyl floor is peeling and I think somebody removed a wine refrigerator that was built in. There is an electric cooktop in the island. The counters are laminate but the island counter is ceramic.

Before you make an offer, you might want to get a pest report, figure in the cost of replacing all of the siding, which might contain asbestos, and get an estimate for a new roof, just to name a few things.

6133 Marwick Way, Carmichael, CA 95608, is offered exclusively by Lyon Real Estate as a short sale at $115,000. For more information, call your Sacramento short sale agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, at 916 233 6759. For a private showing, please call Linda Swanson at 916 607 0111. Cash only. As is sale. Trash. remaining furniture, and all.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

As I poke through my spam filters, I recognize a recurring theme. Seems like all of the junk mail I get falls into 3 categories. And no, it's not drugs, sex and rock 'n' roll like you'd think. Nothing nearly as much fun as that. 

Mostly it's about gambling, which I don't do, or crash diets, no interest there, or male impotence, hardly pertains to my gender. I know that P.T. Barnum is credited with saying a sucker is born every minute, but who is the audience for all of this spam? Who buys these come-ons and crap?

You'd be surprised, says my husband. He claims studies have been done that show an amazingly large number of people -- I don't recall specifically what percentage -- click on spam links and fork over cash for stupid stuff. I imagine those are the same moronic people who pass up tremendous opportunities to capitalize on the real estate market in Sacramento today.

Like this absolutely stunning single-level, newer home in Carmichael. What a find. It's too good to pass by. This home was built in 1999, and it's really hard to find anything on the market remotely similar to it. Plus, it's located on the end of a cul-de-sac in a private, gated community, surrounded by trees.

The sellers have meticiulously groomed the home and maintained it, with no expense spared. If this home so much as coughed, it was given aspirin and bed rest. It's been babied and pampered, and it shows.

If you're thinking this is a short sale or a foreclosure, wipe those thoughts from your mind.  You're in luck if you're looking for a home to buy in Carmichael. This is a traditional sale, and at an incredible can't-be-beat price.

It has 5 bedrooms and 3 baths. A little over 2,600 square feet and sits on a .28 lot, which is more than a quarter acre. This is gracious living in style. Sophisticated, yet casual and warm. When you walk in the front door, you are greeted by shimmering maple floors. Stately columns from floor-to-ceiling separate the formal living and dining areas from the entry. It's a great room concept, with an open kitchen / family / living.

The kitchen has white ceramic tile on the counters and what appears to be porcelain tile on the floor. There are a ton of maple cabinets, and an island with additional storage. There is a breakfast nook with space for a table plus a built-in desk. If you'd like to take your tea outdoors, sliding doors lead to a private patio.

The family room sports soaring ceilings, a fireplace and a beautiful view of the back yard patio and water feature. On one side of the family room is the East wing, with an office / bedroom, a long hallway with additional storage, and a master suite and bath. On the other side is the West wing, with 3 more bedrooms and a guest bath.

The back yard is spectacular. It is filled with whimsical vignettes that will delight you around every corner. Professional landscaping. Flagstone patios and walkways. Plus, there is a yard to the west behind a small gate and fence that contains raised vegetable beds, a place to unwind in solitude and contemplate the world in peace.

Open Sunday, May 1, from 2 to 4 PM. Gate Code #0520. (This is a temporary gate code and OK to publish says HOA). HOA dues are only $50 a month.

5739 Chaffey Lane, Carmichael, CA 95608 is offered exclusively by Lyon Real Estate at $399,000. Call your Carmichael agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, at 916 233 6759 for more information. For a private showing, call Barbara Dow, at 916 761 7398.

Virtual tour of 5739 Chaffey Lane.

Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

If you ever need evidence of how fast the years roll by when you're busy living them and not counting them, just look at when you last bought a new computer. I replaced my old PC laptop last Christmas with a snazzy and faster-than-the-speed-of-light Mac Pro notebook. Of course, now my desktop pales by comparison. But that computer is fairly new. Except it's NOT. Seems like I just replaced it yesterday but it was actually almost 4 years ago.

I can probably squeeze another year out of it if I upgraded the RAM. My Photoshop stopped working last week. What do you expect from a 4.0 version when 9.0 is now available? It just pooped out in the middle of fixing photos. My 9.0 version arrived over the weekend. I have a new listing going on the market this week in Carmichael. And guess what? It's not a short sale. It's a regular home in a private gated community. I like being a listing agent in Carmichael. I seem to get one or two fabulous listings in Carmichael every year, and this is one of those.

We've been working on sprucing it up, reglazing baths, replacing fixtures, transforming the landscaping, staging the home, and in general plucking its eyebrows. It's just about ready to face the public. But I have to do a virtual tour, and I can't put that together without Photoshop. Part of the problem is my computer's RAM. I have to reboot halfway through the day because everything seems to slow down and my timing ball spins, and I have the patience of a fruit fly.

I went to Apple's website to order memory. It seemed to have every model but my computer. I have a dual core not a quad core, and could not find my computer listed. So I did an old-fashioned thing. I picked up the phone and called. Even more old-fashioned, somebody answered the phone on the other end. I gave her my serial number, model and specs for my computer and asked her to send me 2 GB of memory, which arrived yesterday.

I quickly shut down my computer, booted up my laptop to run a video on how to install memory, took my door off the Mac, opened the memory package and hey, what the heck was that? The chip was about 3-inches long and my slots were 6-inches. Sure enough, Apple sent the wrong memory. I called Apple again. The first guy was no help and totally clueless, which is unlike Apple. The second guy understood the problem and said Apple doesn't carry memory for my computer. He referred me to a different website and transferred my call to a different customer service rep who told me Apple doesn't give refunds on memory but she'd get an exception for me.

I was on the phone for at least an hour with Apple. I watched calls come in, light up and go to voice mail. Over and over. A bunch of prospective short sale sellers, I bet. I still don't have my memory because I ran out of time in the day to order it from somewhere else. Instead of replacing my computer every 5 years, maybe I should just buy a new computer now? That's what they want you know. It's a conspiracy.

Why can't the news media show up on my doorstep the day after the housekeeper comes? That was my question yesterday as I scurried to pick up the cat toys and stuff the dirty dishes into the oven before the news reporter got here. But I finally gave up and figured we'd film some area that wasn't totally messed up -- like my desk! I keep a pretty tidy desk. It's organized. As a Sacramento short sale agent, I have to be organized or I'd go insane, trust me on this one.

So sometime this morning and possibly throughout the day, you'll see my smiling face on News 10 ABC. I gave an interview yesterday about flood insurance and the National Flood Insurance Program in Sacramento. I hope to god I didn't say anything awful about Natomas, like: what do you expect if you buy a home in a swamp? That's something I would say. So, I'll probably get pelted and beat up today by Natomas residents.

Here is a new listing in Carmichael that is probably located in a preferred risk area, but I haven't checked it out. And just for the record, let me say that much of Sacramento is in a 100-year flood plain. This means you have a 1 in 100 chance of a flood in any given year or a 1% possibility. It doesn't mean it will flood only once in 100 years.

But the plain and simple truth is in Sacramento we are sandwiched between two rivers, dependant on levees that could break and, if the Folsom dam goes, we're history.

This home is a short sale. It's beautiful. I'm not just saying that because it's my listing. It's really pretty. The living room and family room at the moment comprise one large room, almost 26 feet in length. But they are actually 2 rooms, a formal living room with bay windows, and a family room with a fireplace and French doors leading to the back yard.

There is a dining area off the family in the kitchen. The kitchen is also enormous and has been updated. Yup, you want granite counters, you got 'em. Ceramic floors, check. Plenty of cabinets, a pantry and a built-in office desk, too.

The master suite was once two bedrooms but has since been combined into one big room. Plus, you've got 2 other good sized bedrooms as well. If all of this is not enough to make you want to see this home, the piece de resistance is the back yard. It's a showcase. A quarter acre, according to the Sacramento County Assessor. There is a gazebo, which would look even better with a Jacuzzi! An arbor, lots of fruit trees, lemons, oranges and extensive landscaping.

Imagine sitting on your covered deck and sipping margaritas this summer while you watch the kids or the dogs romp about the yard. The sellers say you will love the neighbors. What's not to like about Carmichael? This home sits back from the main street on a secluded dead-end. So don't let the address fool you.

3925 Garfield Avenue, Carmichael, CA 95608 is offered exclusively by Lyon Real Estate as a short sale at $195,000. Call your Sacramento short sale agent, Elizabeth Weintraub, at 916 233 6759 for more information. For a private showing, call Linda Swanson, at 916 607 0111.

photos: Elizabeth Weintraub

I know some of you may find this difficult to believe -- especially in a market dominated by short sales and foreclosures in Sacramento -- but this gorgeous Carmichael pool home is for sale by a traditional seller. You know, the type of seller who would like to sell at a fair price and is not upside down. This means that some lucky buyer can actually write an offer, get it accepted and close escrow in 30 days without complications.

If you're hoping to buy a home tucked away near the end of a culdesac with a big lot and lots of upgrades, come by the open house on Sunday, August 9th, from 2 to 4 PM. You can also call me or your real estate agent for a private showing before then.

I am confident that once you step foot into this updated home, you will be amazed. Your jaw will drop. Upon entering the home, you are greeted with soaring ceilings and an open floor plan.

Apart from finding two fireplaces, one in the formal living room and another in the family room, the step-up dining room and kitchen feature 18-inch ceramic flooring with designer light fixtures and pendants. Multiple ceiling fans help to distribute those cool Delta breezes flowing in from the west in the evenings throughout the home.

The master suite is enormous, with a balcony that overlooks the beautifully landscaped front yard and tree tops (see photo below). Its bath has a jetted tub. A third bedroom is open to the family room below but can be closed off by securing the shutters. It is presently being used as an office.

Laundry is located on the first floor in the extra large half bath. There is even a 3-car garage with abundant storage. In fact, there is extra storage almost everywhere in this spacious 2,021-square-foot home.

The 27,000-gallon pool has been resurfaced; the solar panel tubes have been replaced along with state-of-art integrated controls and a newer pool sweep. It has a covered patio, and even more garden space behind the trees in the back with two covered sheds.

By the time you reach the back yard, I can practically guarantee that you will be asking "where do I sign?" I've seen no lovelier home in Carmichael, cross my heart.

3145 Petty Lane, Carmichael, California, offered exclusively by Lyon Real Estate at $399,900.

Elizabeth Weintraub, 916.233.6759 cell.

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