Club Chaos Agents - All Things Hollish, Wacked, and Jacked

Feb 9, 2013 09:45 AM

Disassociative Press

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SCOTTSDALE (DP) – A four year federal wildlife program to rehabilitate the sagging numbers of a local animal population has proven to be a rousing success, according to Slade Winders of the Department of Herpetology.  Non-indigenous to the Sonoran Desert, Realtus Serpentes is believed to have first been introduced to Arizona shortly after the Gadsden Purchase in 1853 by a traveling circus on tour out of Toledo, OH. An aggressive reptilian known commonly as “REALTOR,” Realtus Serpentes wasted little time overrunning the desert terrain, specifically the densely populated metro areas, earning the apex predator a fast reputation as a nuisance species.

Read the full report at the Scottsdale Property Shop 

The La Brea Tar Pits of what is modern day Los Angeles are renowned for their eternal incarceration of prehistoric life.  Think an 18 to life stint in Folsom is a rough hitch?  Try fossilizing yourself in natural asphalt for thousands of years following an untimely demise that accompanied no greater sin than stepping out for a bite to eat.  Several millenia later, they jackhammer your permanently surprised face out of the earth's candy shell for the sole purpose of humiliating your petrified remains in front of busloads of insolent school kids and German tourists.  Many victims were believed to have plummeted into the inky abyss after stopping for a drink from the surface water that obscured the death trap below.  Subsequent predators then eagerly followed the trail of easy prey to a sticky fate of their own.

Which brings me to dual agency.  To hear most Real Estate professionals describe it, the much maligned practice of dual agency is every bit the equal of those gooey pits as a carnivorous devourer of wayward souls.  Why, one would surely toss baby Jessica back down a well teeming with the stuff before subjecting her to the horrors of limited representation.  In the nearly forty thousand years that the tar pits have been open for business, one human being is known to have been swallowed amongst the saber-tooth tigers, woolly mammoths, ground sloths and aspiring B-level actors.  Meanwhile, dual agency has swallowed countless John & Jane Doe's in only two decades of practice in the metro Phoenix market.  In that time, there has arisen a chorus of familiar refrains.

"How can an agent or brokerage adequately represent two parties with competing interests in a single transaction?"

"How can an agent or brokerage remain neutral when I employed him/her to be an advocate?"

"How can my agent possibly bring me the head of Indigo Montoya if he also represents said eleven-fingered abomination who killed my father?"

As attorneys shape our contracts and further mold our practices to mirror their own, the days of the polyester-encased salesman are largely behind us.  That is a good thing.  There are clear delineations in terms of the roles and responsibilities of the agents involved in the transaction, as opposed to the ambiguity that often existed before the advent of buyer agency.  Under the previous doctrine of sub-agency, an agent could show his buyer property over the course of three months, only to morph into a subagent of the seller when negotiations began on a property.  A ludicrous setup if there ever was one.  Thus, the greater transparency in distinguishing where allegiances lie in a Real Estate transaction has been a positive result.  The rise of buyer agency has led to the tandem rise of another apparent conflict of interest in representative terms, however: Dual agency.

Dual agency arises out of transactional occurrences in which the same broker represents both buyer and seller.  Sometimes this entails one agent working on behalf of both parties, but more common, especially in large brokerages, are occasions where an agent from Brokerage A brings a buyer to the listing held by another agent from Brokerage A.  Even though there are two agents involved in the potential sale, all Real Estate business flows through the company's designated broker.  Thus, even though, in practical terms, each side may appear to have the exclusive representation of their chosen agent, the same broker ultimately bears responsibility for both sides of the transaction. 

While I agree that a single agent attempting to wear both hats (or neither if he more or less recuses himself as a mediator between parties in the process) in a transaction is generally marginalizing his service, it is inane to argue that all dual agency eventualities are, and should be, avoidable.  If a buyer wishes to purchase one of my listings without the involvement of another agent, I will certainly oblige, but my loyalty is unmistakable.  I represent the seller exclusively, and the buyer is my customer.  When I take on a buyer client, however, it is ludicrous to suggest that I refrain from showing them certain listings simply because a fellow Realty Executive has it up for sale.  If a property fits the criteria of my client, I don't care if it is listed by Ming the Merciless.  Full disclosure is paramount, but the chest-thumping that often decries all possible manifestations of dual agency is misguided.  Would my seller clients really prefer that I refrained from showing my listings to fellow Realty Executives, drastically reducing their potential buyer pool?  Would my buyers really prefer I exclude the listings from the top selling brokerage in the state when we begin our hunt?  I highly doubt it.  Matter of fact, I have yet to encounter the client that has instructed me to do so after an initial discussion of the limitations in representation that can crop up in such circumstances.  Finding the house or the buyer is first and foremost.  Concerns over representational nuance is secondary.

There can be advantages in addition to the well reported disadvantages with dual agency.  Some principals may find the process less adversarial and more expedient when the variable of a competing agent is removed from the equation.  It can very well be argued that the dynamic lessens the presence of the "telephone game" syndrome and needless acrimony that can accompany the dueling egos of multiple agents.  More to the point, if agents of the same brokerage have a solid working relationship, and work for a reputable organization, there is the added benefit of knowing the transaction will be handled professionally.  Limited representation from a pro is of far more benefit than full representation from a schmuck.  While representation may be limited for a client, it is equally limited on the other side of the table.  The playing field remains level, as it is in cases in which each party has the full, unflinching representation of a brokerage.

Dual agency is one of those topics that causes a fair amount of unease, but it shouldn't be feared by name alone.  You should have full and frank discussions with your chosen agent about the possible ramifications of the various forms of agency floating around out there (preferably at the beginning of your relationship, rather than a forced immersion at the time of a contract submission).  There are circumstances which may call for it, and as long as all parties understand and agree with the terms, can prove beneficial.  Is it ideal?  Far from it.  Then again, neither is passing up the home of your dreams because it has the misfortune of being listed for sale by your agent's brokerage.

Dual Agency:  It's not just for shafting the public anymore!

By any measure, 2009 has been an ogre.  A lineal Shrek, if you will.  We probably all would have given it a miss had we heeded the decree of the Chinese calendar that it was to be the Year of the Killer Tomato.  Given the chance to hit reset on the impending culmination of 365 vexing days, however, I would not take it.  There are strengthening vitamins and minerals to be had in the juices of the very tomatoes at my feet that have pelted my face and stung my wide eyes.

There have been financial challenges, the likes of which were previously alien to me.  With the disjointed gyrations of an industry and market that represent a brand new dance to even the longest tenured vets, I have been forced to the brink of professional incineration for long stretches on end.  With seared toes and fingertips, however, I’ve held fast at the threshold to that fiery abyss. My Gen-X core becoming more pliable and durable all the while in paradoxical harmony.  A representative for a generation that is accustomed to having, to entitlement, I have learned the pain and honor of struggle.  Months on end to produce results that formerly took days or weeks.  Deals faltering where they had always stuck.  The size of the paychecks for those miraculous transactions that have beaten the odds to reach the closing table dwindling in numerical lockstep with the eroded property values in our midst, even as costs continue to rise.

Bill collectors unconcerned about any of it.

There have been personal challenges.  The year began with mortality staring unflinchingly into our faces.  Loved ones saddled with dreaded diagnoses and marching orders to treacherous corners of an unconcerned earth.  And loss.  There has been loss.  Both that which was not yet in our grasp and that which had been held in loose, complacent grip.  In our sorrow, we have found new strength.  Renewed commitment.  Stronger bonds that will never permit the tenuous clutches of the immediate moment to intrude upon the existence or color pallet of a promised collective future.  Deeper reservoirs of ourselves with which to nourish those who require infinite supply.

With a little less than a month remaining in this stanza, I am eager to turn the page, albeit wholly aware that no classic prose is free of drama.  That every resolution requires a conflict.  When all is said and done, and the metaphorical book of me is written, it will be this very chapter that stands out in full bas relief.  I needed 2009 to become who I am to be, and I wouldn’t give it back for all the rotten tomatoes in Shanghai.

Without reasonable question, banks are in charge of the current Real Estate market here in Scottsdale and the greater Phoenix area.  Patently absurd low pricing of an overwhelming abundance of foreclosure and short sale listings dictates that financial institutions remain the bully of our local pulpit.  While we may lament this eventuality, we certainly cannot deny it without yielding hard-earned credibility.  Dominance in the marketplace, however, should not be mistaken for carte blanche to operate in a manner independent of obligation.

Consumers, and by the transitive property their chosen agents, put up with a great deal when pursuing a distressed (be it physical or financial) property.  Selling institutions call the shots on the choice of title company, manufacture from afar their own addenda that often flies in the face of local custom or … gulp … law.  All too aware that these catacombs house the buried Real Estate treasure they seek, buyers eagerly agree to any and all provisions the banks and their lawyers concoct.  For the most part, after scrutinizing the often arcane verbiage of said addenda and verifying that an actual, legitimate escrow company has been selected to perform the title work (as opposed to some flunky sister company on the other side of the country in which the seller has a financial stake), we swallow hard on the arrogance and proceed under the bank’s terms.  The values on their properties are just too good to be dissuaded by negotiable minutia. 

But that’s where it ends.

Perhaps a happenstance created by a bank that has become accustomed to proffering any mandate it wishes upon a transaction, many asset managers at said institutions and the lackeys charged with listing and selling their portfolios seem to have gained the mistaken notion that they can dictate deviations from the written purchase agreement based on the whims of internal policy.  Case in point, I am currently embroiled in a transaction that is going along swimmingly aside from the seller’s constant refusal to execute documents that were agreed to and made part of the original purchase contract.  I have heard numerous explanations for the contractual breaches, and some of them even make sense.  None of them, though, absolve the seller of their contractual obligations.

The learned attorneys who advise their clients (banks) not to sign certain documents would do well to advise their clients to address such matters at the time, if not before, the contract is negotiated.  I am not an attorney, but surely they understand that unilateral, after-the-fact contract revision and/or breach is far more likely to result in litigation for their clients than the terms of the documents found to be objectionable for one reason or another. 

Then again, perhaps deterrence from future litigation is not in the best financial interest of that crack legal staff.

I call on buyers and their representative agents to stand up for the rights and protections you are afforded by the purchase contracts you execute.  Fear of losing the bargain of a lifetime has led too many to cow-tow to the internal policies of the banks on the other side of the country table.  Yes, there are certain stipulations you must live with if you wish to purchase a bank controlled property, but at the end of the day, they are just sellers who must abide by the same rules and regulations as everyone else.  Assuming you didn't forget to pack heat on your way to a bank-owned gunfight, stick to your guns and do not suffer any shirking of the selling party’s obligations or infringement upon your contractual rights lightly.  And make sure you grab the glock, not the air rifle.  The pea shooter of polite request will just get your hair touseled and cheeks pinched.

It's big boy time when dealing with a corporate monolith.

There was an old microfiche machine at my office when I started in this business.  It would be awhile before plat maps went online.  The Mr. Coffee next to the old Xerox copier had yet to be replaced by the single-shot vacuum pack machination that would allow agents to select from a variety of roasts.  The office itself teemed with Real Estate synergy as the exodus to the home office wouldn't begin in earnest for another five years or so. 

Against the backdrop of what is now considered the Neolithic Era of the Real Estate Industry, those pioneers who embraced the radical technological advancements of email and personal websites scoffed at the hopelessly crude tools of the trade still wielded by the Paleolithic holdovers from days gone by.  Quick to shovel dirt on the shallow graves these dinosaurs had themselves seemingly dug by ignoring the advancing world around them, the younger set was highly amused by one agent in particular who still used the rickety old typewriter in the work room for personal correspondence. 

While derision for the curmudgeon's refusal to keep up with the times was less hostile than affectionate, that lone typewriter signaled, for many, the functional obsolescence of more than merely the machine itself.  The sooner we could put that beast of burden out to pasture, the sooner our brokerage would live up to its reputation as industry leader within the Phoenix market.  It's a competitive world out there, and you can't rest on yesterday's laurels if you wish to stay relevent, after all.  To stay on that cutting edge, you must do some cutting.  Though it was never verbalized, the insinuation that both man and machine should succumb gracefully to the scrap heap to make way for the new breed was palpable.

That was just over ten years ago.  The typewriter is gone, but the agent remains.  Was there a sudden epiphany about the direction of the business and a need to be at the forefront of the technological revolution?  Certainly not.  We simply dragged the typewriter outside one day after an office vote and beat the thing back into the Stone Age.  Left with little alternative, the old guy grudgingly learned how to email and even used the fax machine on occasion.  But websites?  Search engine optimization?  Let the hotshots figure that nonsense out.  He would rather sell Real Estate than hop on every new trend.

And he did.  One of the most successful agents in our brokerage, he pretty much sticks to managing his own investments at this point.  Investments cultivated during the bust years.  Remember when everyone was ditching their land holdings in the ‘80s as values tanked and interest rates spiked simultaneously?  He held on.  Remember the stagflation of the ‘70s?  He amassed quite a portfolio amidst those treacherous market forces. 

The man simply knows Real Estate. 

Dinosaurs get to be dinosaurs in this business for a reason.  In an industry that has more attrition than the lineup for Guns ‘N Roses, only those who have the market cornered on business acumen and opportunistic savvy linger long enough to be subjected to the ignominious rebukes and condescension of the next generation.  Those of us who would spread our peacock feathers to boast of our rising profiles in comparison to the sagging numbers of our predecessors would be better served to squeeze every last drop of knowledge and advice from their battle-tested minds. 

So we are the big dogs today.  Big deal.  This porch has been occupied by far better agents in years past.  Agents that made presentations face to face instead of via email and fax.  Agents who actually employed salesmanship and personal skills to seal transactions versus simply heaping reams of readily available data upon their subjects.  Agents who can recognize the oncoming booms and busts because they have experienced these cycles many times over.  Agents who have thrived in the face of all manner of advancing technologies (for those who would assert otherwise, technology didn't just suddenly appear post 2000).  Agents who know what works for their business and what does not.  Agents who do not confuse the tools of selling Real Estate with the actual business of selling Real Estate. 

Like those ancient machines that once inhabited our offices paved the way for the next generation of technology, so have those who plied their abilities in days of yore been pre-requiste for the current crop of agents.  We have gotten to where we are now on the backs of our predecessors.  Ironically, some would deign to call the older generation of agents blind to new technology while not recognizing their own limited sight.  Such hasty and dismissive judgment renders one blind to the positive attributes that have crafted long, successful careers.  Any comet can streak brightly across the sky for a short period of time.  The trick is in maintaining a lifespan past the initial fluorescent brilliance.

The more I think about it, the more I find the term "dinosaur" to be quite appropriate.  As opposed to those who throw it about with such arrogance and disdain, however, I liken it more to the way many productive old timers will eventually leave the industry.  Forget the magic bullet of SEO, blogging or any other marketing flavor of the month; it's going to take nothing short of a meteor strike to kill those careers.  Instead of chastising these agents for what they are not, I seek to absorb what they are in vain attempt to distill the core secret to their longevity down to its very essence.  I would recommend some of the more vocal online detractors of our industry elders do the same.  We should all be so lucky to stick around long enough to earn such scorn.

Funny thing, but about 75% of the agents who mocked that agent ten years ago are nowhere to be found today; knocked off their lofty perches by a brutal market they didn't see coming.  Meanwhile, he keeps on keeping on, trying to figure out how to change the ribbon on the office PC.  Try not to feel too sorry for him as he outlasts the next wave of revolutionaries with quaint designs on yet another industry coup d'etat.

You have a problem.  Your family sees it.  Your friends see it.  At the eye of the storm, only you lack the perspective to clearly recognize the wake of wanton destruction spawned by your vice.  Despite your feeble protestations to the contrary, you need help.  Your addiction does not end with you.  It touches the lives of those around you with dark, restless hands.  Probing unsuspecting pockets and vulnerable throats.

The cycle of despair ends today.  Your days as a perpetual Real Estate shopper are over.

House hunting can give you a rush like none other.  No buyer quickly forgets the first time he steps through the front door to a new potential future.  The magic.  The exhilaration.  The knowledge that one is virtually unfettered to choose his own adventure.  Of course, once that initial euphoria grabs a hold of a buyer, he must experience it again.  Houses 2-10 still hold some residual magic, but do not hold a candle to that very first experience.  Houses 11-20 hold an air of disappointment.  Soon enough, each successive property becomes a progressively greater assault on the sensibilities.  Your friends and relatives grow weary of your constant trolling of Realtor.Com.  Your erstwhile volunteers will no longer join you on the weekly Sunday home tour with your beleaguered Real Estate agent.

You don’t care.  Despite all evidence to the contrary, your silver bullet is out there.  You don’t need help, you just need more listings.  Where are all the new listings, anyway?  Everyone knows that banks are giving houses away for pennies on the dollar, so this simply must be the week that the 5000 square foot home on 4 acres hits the market.  For $125,000.

Welcome to Detox.  My name is Paul.  I will be your cold dose of reality for the next 30 days.

The first step to recovery, of course, is admitting you have a problem.  Trust me, you have a problem.  Further, you must admit that you are powerless to the tug of your addiction.  I offer as “Exhibit A” this August 9th, 2009 email sent to your agent regarding a property you found online.  Time-stamped at 3:48 AM.  “Exhibit B” is your agent’s cell phone records from 3:49 - 4:32 AM of the very same day.

Step two is to understand that a power greater than yourself can restore you to a sane existence.  No, it’s not your brother’s mail carrier’s uncle who owns four rental properties.  It’s your agent.  Listen to him/her.

We’ll just skip step three because we all know that the realm of Real Estate is presided over by a supreme being in the guise of a braying, one-eyed donkey with cataracs.  Pin the tail on him and you are as likely to get donkey kicked in the goods as you are to win the investment lotto.  See step two for obtaining the services of one who knows how to best manipulate, if not outright tame, the fickle Real Estate beast.

You are now ready to move on to step four.  This is where you take full and unflinching stock of your own morality.  “Thou Shall Not Steal” is a typical shortcoming of many Real Estate shopping addicts.  The thrill of the grift, after all, is one of the primary tarpits into which the saber-toothed buyer has fallen to become bogged down to such an irretrievable degree.

While admitting to yourself the wrongs you have committed is no picnic, neither is admitting those things to the higher power of your choice and a fellow non-home buying human.  When you can do so, you have conquered Step five.  Don’t even think about omitting the part where you burned 1897 hours and 16,789 gallons of your agent’s time and gasoline.

Step six is opening yourself up to the full removal of the defects in your character from a higher power.  Once again, your agent will gladly fill this role in absentia and remove said defects via Paypal and/or rubber mallet.

If you can bring yourself to ask for said absolution, you have mastered step seven.

Step eight requires that you make a list of all those you have harmed and be willing to make amends.  You can start with your spouse, co-workers and anyone you have pumped for advice and proceeded to dutifully ignore.  Just make sure that your REALTOR is somewhere in the mix.  No greater sin than trumping his/her decades of industry experience with the sage advice of your hairdresser and life insurance agent.

Step nine is actually making the aforementioned amends.  A little wine and cuddling to soothe frayed nerves and egos is a good start, but cash money absolves all.

Step ten directs that you continue to take stock of your failings and immediately admit subsequent wrongs.  You may be on the road to recovery, but that doesn’t mean you are immune to calling a listing agent directly to schedule an appointment after your agent has patiently educated you over the past year and a half.  And yes by the way, that does make you a bad person.

Step eleven directs you to establish more direct contact with your agent.  Email and the occasional phone call will suffice.  He or she is tired of sending smoke signals in the direction of East Jabib to reach you.  When the right property comes along, don’t make a search party necessary.  Bloodhounds are pricey by the hour.

Step twelve is reserved for those Career Buyers who have had complete spiritual awakenings and will actively work to spread and promote these guiding principles to their brethren in shopping addiction.  Praise the lord and pass the turnips, you are now ready to purchase a home!  Go forth and proselytize!

Should you experience temptation to return to your former habits or worse, suffer a relapse, it is important that you understand three things:

1) These things happen and you are still loved.

2) Just not by your agent.

3) You are completely and totally screwed.

... I learned that my wife is again with child.  Via Facebook.  Go figure.

I believe it was Confucius who said that he who hesitates gets flattened by an 18 wheeler laden with 10 tons of abject irony along life’s crooked highway.  Or was it something about those who dally within the confines of a centrifuge being at great peril of becoming centrifugal?  Regardless of the exact phrasing, the veracity of the axiom is never more resplendent in self evidence than in its pertinence to a Real Estate transaction.  Get in, get out, and for God’s sakes man, do it on the quick step.

Case in point: 

August 8^th, 2009.  The night was warm and dry.  Once again defying all logic, Phoenix did not burn up upon reentry into this late summer evening, and its denizens scurried out of air conditioned alcoves to forage for supplies as the sun dipped below the White Tank Mountains in the far Western sky.  Taking full advantage of the reprieve, I was amongst the throng vying to get sixty eight errands done in a three hour span.  That’s when the call came.

A little background.  A client of mine purchased a beautiful home in Queen Creek two years ago.  One job transfer and complete meltdown of Western civilization later, the home is unfortunately worth about 50% of its prior value.  So we attempted to hammer out a short sale.  Rife with frustration, incompetence, duplication and other multi-syllabic words, short sales are the very antithesis of expediency.  It takes forever and a day just to get a negotiator from the bank assigned to the transaction.  Once the negotiator is assigned, it can literally take weeks just to choke the direct phone number to the cave where they hide him out of a disinterested call center employee. 

It’s crazy.  It’s maddening.  It’s 2009.

The upshot is that 6 months and many stops and starts later, the deal we secured was approved by the bank and headed for closing.  Loan docs were in and we were set to put a ribbon on the whole shebang in two days.  It didn’t matter that the bank had screwed up the first approval by providing an unrealistic closing window.  It didn’t matter that it took an additional three weeks and a new set of BPOs (broker price opinions) to get the closing timeframe extended to a reasonable period of time to line up the buyer’s financing.  It didn’t matter that the buyer had nearly backed out several times during the interminable wait as concern mounted about the continued erosion in values.  Or that we had to sweat through an appraisal in August for a sale that was negotiated in February.  We were finally at the finish line.

And then the fateful call came.  Had the pool service not been performed?  Was there new damage to the property?  No, we had somehow managed to ride out the entire escrow without incurring any additional issues with the home itself. 

The buyer lost his job.

Called in over the weekend and informed that his services were no longer wanted, months of work went straight down the portal to Real Estate hell that opened up under our feet.  More pointedly, months of waiting went down said portal.  Had the lienholder acted with the expediency and urgency that actual Real Estate professionals understand is vital to the successful culmination of a transaction, the unfortunate eventuality would be somebody else’s problem.  Instead, the hot potato remains firmly in the bank’s seared hands.

Time kills deals. 

The glacial pace that most institutions operate with only serves to demonstrate why bankers should stick to banking.  The moral that the average consumer can take from this tale of woe is that you never take a Real Estate sale for granted.  Things can and will happen between contract acceptance and closing.  To limit those things that can sink your battleship, you want to get to the closing table as soon as humanly possible.  Death, job loss, a bad night in Vegas … any manner of variable can rear its red inked head to sabotage your sale. 

When you have the opportunity to close, close.  If that means you have to reschedule the movers and change the turn-off date on your utilities, so be it.  A little inconvenience is cheap insurance against catastrophe.

Flattened by the big rig and dizzy from centrifugal force, we limp back onto the market.  Nimble as we can be with a 500 pound gorilla in tow.

There are things that you, as a home buyer, want to know about a prospective new neighborhood.  Are the schools top shelf?  Is there shopping nearby?  Do the neighbors hold a semi-annual Ed Begley Jr. look-alike contest?  For the most part, your agent can help you find the answers to these questions (though determining a victor in the latter contest seems dubious given the subject hasn’t been seen in public in two decades).  There are some matters which may be pertinent to your purchasing decision that I cannot field, however.

Fair housing doctrine is the result of a noble pursuit to ensure that consumers enjoy basic rights and equality in the purchase of a home.  The so-called protected classes against which housing discrimination is strictly prohibited include race, color, religion, gender, national origin, persons with disabilities and familial status (having children under 18 years of age). 

(Note the omission of job description from that grouping.  Don’t like attorneys?  You don’t have to sell your house to one.  Of course, green is the only color that matters, and rejecting any potential suitor for a reason other than unacceptable contract terms is not only foolish, but an invitation for trouble.  Protected class or not.)

Now that we have established who cannot be barred from housing opportunities for no other reason than certain personal attributes, let’s take it a step further.  A frequent criticism of Realtors is that we won’t answer your direct questions when you are trying to get the skinny on an area.  Your pointed questions are met with milquetoast answers such as, “There are all types of people in this community,” or “You should go to the police department website to research that on your own.”

It’s not because we don’t want to be helpful.  We do.  Believe me.  Many times, we are constrained by overbearing legalities that make it difficult to effectively advise our clients.  While laudable, fair housing doctrine in practice can be maddeningly frustrating, too.  I cannot tell you how many Christian families live in the neighborhood.  I can’t tell you if a subdivision is kid friendly.  I can’t tell you if an area you have inquired about is a “bad part of town” or not.  I can’t even give you the wink or the nod of my head as I drone on about not being permitted to discuss such matters. 

When you, as an unknowing consumer, stray into the no-fly zone, the exchanges often go something like this.

Q:  “Are there a lot of minorities in this area?”

A:  “There are people of all kinds in this neighborhood.  I am not at liberty to discuss such things.  Please get out of my car you intolerant ape.”

Q:  “Are there more families or singles that live in this neighborhood?”

 A:  “There are people of all kinds in this neighborhood.  I am not at liberty to discuss such things.  If you are trolling for a date, I suggest the local pub ... maybe Facebook.”

Q:  “Is there a lot of crime here?”

A:  “That depends on whether you consider vice a victimless crime … er, I mean, you would need to check the local PD’s website to review those statistics.”

Q:  “Are there any agnostic Madagascan women who walk with a limp and have six adoptive Inuit kids nearby?”

A:  “Security!”

The thing to remember is that we agents deal in properties, not people.  Ask me about the community amenities, the builders, the values.  Shoot, you can ask me for the square root of the Pythagorean Theorem for that matter (the answer is “F” by the way).  Just don’t ask me to lay out the area demographics for you.  There are resources available to you should you wish to perform your own investigations, but as a licensed agent, I cannot steer you to or from a particular area based on criteria that either closely treads or firmly stomps on a protected class. 

Are there times when I feel constrained from fully doing my job and properly advising my clients about both the positives and negatives in a community?  Absolutely.  As a safeguard that prevents agents from feeding into arcane prejudices and stereotypes, however, it is necessary to ensure that we don’t artificially impact values or deny opportunities.

You can ask me if the house is far enough away from the meth lab down the street to withstand the inevitable explosion.  Just don’t ask me to speculate whether the aspiring chemist within is here legally or not.

Picture a bowl of primordial soup.  No, really picture it.  What does it look like?  I see a gelatinous, gray gumbo of sorts.  The contents within completely impervious to the light of the sun underneath an opaque, spoon-devouring top layer.  I don’t need to make out the individual invertebrates that I sense roiling about the porcelain confines to intuit that a wayward finger would disappear into tiny, prehistoric mandibles within moments of straying into the land of the culinary lost.

Of course, I am talking about bank owned property sales.  If the creepy crawlies in the walls don’t get you, the asset managers will.

About a year and a half ago, I, like many of my Real Estate brethren, was forced to take stock of the focus of my career.  Having long relied on the nearly continuous repeat and referral business that I cultivated through years of diligent service, circumstances dictated that I ponder the unponderable when the Great Market Implosion of 2008 (c)  threatened to sabotage my business model.  If you could even call it a business model, that is.  I subscribe to the notion that if you do right by the clients that you have now, you will never want for clients in the future.  Good business practice begets good client retention.

And yet, there I was.  Looking around for the vine upon which my new business had died amidst the economic crop dusting that was rendering entire markets fallow.  My hedgerow bustled only with concern.  So what to do?  With credit markets drying up and loans increasingly difficult to come by, the resale market became a stagnant bog.  The only sign of life would be Nessie popping her head above the surface of the foreclosure loch on occasion to swallow another hapless homeowner.  Against this stark backdrop, many of my respected colleagues turned to the very institutions that led us down this path to housing oblivion for their salvation.  Sensing that resale properties could not compete with the dirt cheap foreclosures, and that finding loans for buyers had become vastly more difficult than finding properties, I was tempted to follow suit.

The lure of pursuing bank-owned property listings was … gulp … quite tantalizing.  I saw REO agents handling more properties at a given time than they ordinarily handled over the course of an entire year while I banged my head against the resale wall.  Heeding the siren’s song, I went so far as to solicit lists of banks with whom I could apply to handle their overflowing inventories.  Hat in hand, it struck me that this was the 21st century version of standing in line for hours on end amidst scores of other able-bodied candidates for a factory job circa 1930.  A funny thing happened en route to the head of the line, however.  An epiphany, if you will.

In the current market, we all work for the banks in one manner or another.  You either list their houses, or you bring them buyers.  Only one side of that equation will bring you repeat business down the line, however.  I realized that I could not take on the workload that REO specialists enjoy tolerate without alienating the loyal client base that had propelled me to heights I had never really thought possible in my career.  Knowing there are only so many hours in the day, I made the conscious decision to forgo the possibility of immediate gratification with the banks to continue to serve real people.  It’s not an entirely altruistic choice either, but a pragmatic one.  The foreclosure market will dry up eventually, leaving the few remaining morsels to the established denizens of the deep who have waded through that knee-deep filth for the last two decades.  Those Johnny Come Latelys whose bank-owned property experience extends back a year or two will be in the unenviable position of having to redefine their expertise yet again.  Their neglected mom and pop clients will have moved on.

I do not want to watch my business wash up on the rocks along with the myriad other souls aimlessly following the tide on a makeshift raft of sticks and desperation when the winds inevitably change.  I’ll continue to take my chances with my own internal compass and weather-battered crew.

So, here you sit.  Spoon in hand, ready to dive into that noxious looking soup.  It may not be the most appetizing dish you have ever seen, but it’s the house special and the price is right.  The maitre d’ has already slipped back into the kitchen, hurriedly gathering the same ladled gruel for the next table.

No fear, your royal tester is still here.  Pass that gnarly bowl on over and I’ll help you determine its edibility.

I was sitting on your side of the table when we were eating steak and lobster, and I’m not looking for the check now that my dinner guests can only afford spam.  It may bring a little indigestion on this particular evening, but there are plenty of four star days ahead.

If you are buying or selling a home in Scottsdale, Arizona, and you are not an amorphous, soul crushing financial institution, it would be my great privilege to represent you in your pursuits.

Read more of my random missives at the Scottsdale Property Shop